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Valentine Shmalentine

14 Feb

My husband and I don’t do anything special for Valentine’s Day. We aren’t anti-Valentine’s or anything. We just feel that it is pointless in our relationship. He surprises me with flowers, chocolate, cards, potato chips, etc. randomly and often. I don’t want him to get me a gift on this day just because he is supposed to (we already have an anniversary). That would be like me celebrating changing one of Zoey’s diapers. Changing her diapers is part of my life. It would be pointless for me to celebrate something like “diaper changing appreciation day.” I think we celebrated our first Valentine’s Day, but that was it. After that, I didn’t want to anymore. I don’t have a problem with other people that celebrate it, either. People will do whatever is right for them.

Now that I have a daughter, my viewpoint is changing a little. I want her to grow up with the expectation that she will be treated like a queen by her future significant other. I don’t want her to settle for anything less. In my opinion (strictly opinion, she’s my first kid and I’ve never raised a kid before), the best way to show her that she deserves the best is to lead by example. Plus, I think it would be really fun to do Valentine’s activities with her.

I want her to see her Daddy bringing gifts home to her and I. I want her to know what it feels like to be treated like you are special. I also want to make sure that she understands that love is not only for Valentine’s Day. I want her to see that love is for every day. The holiday isn’t the reason for love, but it is a celebration of it. I think it would be fun to watch her sweet face light up when her daddy brings her flowers or chocolate. Then she would see him give them to me and understand that it is an expression of love. We could have fun doing little crafts and making fun cards for daddy to hang up in his locker at work. It is important for her to know that it’s important to express love as well as to receive it.

It’s amazing what changes when you have a kid. I’m still the same Kimmy, but my perspective has changed on many things. We may not even celebrate it next year. She’ll still be young. I guess we’ll see how it goes when the day gets closer. I do look forward to starting new traditions for Valentine’s Day and other holidays.


Microwave Generation

17 Nov

A few days ago, our microwave started acting strangely. When the door is closed and it is turned off, it would still run and heat invisible food. Because of this, we have decided to leave it unplugged until we get a new one. It was getting a little scary.

I can’t begin to tell you how much of an inconvenience this is. I didn’t think we used our microwave that much. Plus, it’s fairly new. Now I have to use the stove or the oven to reheat leftovers, cook pizza rolls, EVERYTHING. It takes soooooooo much longer. I’m hungry now, I don’t want to wait ten long minutes before  can eat! I want to pop it into the microwave for 30 seconds and eat right now.

(I’m waiting for pizza rolls to come out of the damn oven at this very moment.)

Realizing how much of an inconvenience this has been has made me think (I don’t normally think very much). I remember being told that microwaves take most of the nutrients out of food. Then I thought of how often we use the microwave to reheat food. Then I thought about our health. Then I thought about my baby. Damn it. Being a mom is making me all responsible and shit.

Before microwaves were invented, it was normal to have to wait for food. We’ve become spoiled because we’ve never known a world without microwaves. In the same way, my daughter will never know a world without technologies like the internet. She’ll never have to wait by the radio for hours just to hear one song. She can just Google the video and hear it on YouTube. She’ll never have to sneak behind our backs and watch MTV for hours waiting for her favorite music video (“November Rain” by Guns’n’Roses was what I snuck around for) because it is available online at any moment for her. MTV doesn’t even have music videos anymore.

She will probably be even more impatient that I am. That saddens me a little. It’s not like I can take away technology from her so that she grows up humble. That would be wrong and she could get picked on. It’s not like I can tell her things like “Appreciate this because we didn’t have it when I was young!” because I’ll just sound like an uncool old person. Times just change quickly. We have to work with what we’ve got.

Don’t get me wrong, I’m definitely glad that technology moves forward so quickly. I love convenience. I’m glad that my child will grow up in a world with electricity, indoor plumbing, central heat and air, computers, smart phones, etc. It just makes it more difficult to ask other moms what they did in certain situations. I’m sure they didn’t pull out their smart phone and let their baby play with an interactive baby app. I’m sure this sort of thing is another type of “mom war” topic on the internet. I’m not googling to find out. I just want to raise my baby the best way I know how, and that includes technology. We were just in the eye doctor’s office and I forgot to bring any toys. I let Zoey “make stars” (the app is a blank screen, and when you touch it, stars appear) on my phone to keep her quiet.  Where would I be without technology? Some parents think that kids shouldn’t play with things like that until after the age of two. There was even the video of the kid trying to use a magazine as an ipad. You can’t blame technology for that. My kid knows the difference between a book and a computer. We read books to her every night. That kid’s parents probably didn’t read to the kid. Or maybe they read ebooks. That’s ok. Technology is changing the world we live in and I’m sure the kid will grow up and develop at the same rate as other children.

I just spilled a pizza roll guts all over my shirt.

My original plan was to get a new microwave this weekend. Now I’m considering waiting to see how long we can live without one. I haven’t consulted my husband, yet. Let’s see what happens!

Here, we see the nine month old infant called "Zoey" participating in an ancient tradition of "playing with toys in the bath tub." It doesn't involve any modern technologies, yet it is still enjoyable.

Scum of the Earth

26 Oct

I’m not just saying that as a joke. That’s the way I really feel right now. I feel like the worst person in the world and I know that I was in the wrong.

I love twitter. About 90% of the people I like to hang out with are people who I’ve met on twitter. For me, it is an outlet to vent, to crack jokes, to be vulgar, and to talk about my life. It is perfect for me, because I can make an inappropriate joke about something if it stresses me out. That’s what I’ve always done my entire life and it was never acceptable with people I would hang out with. A reason that I love twitter is because that’s what most of the people I follow do, which gave me the false security of thinking I could be free with my words. I would push a limit, nothing would happen, then I would push again. I would make cruel jokes, people would laugh, favorite, and retweet, so I would continue to do it. I’m not blaming anything on anyone but myself. I’m only saying that I wasn’t strong enough to not get caught up in twitter popularity.

With all of that being said, I used to babysit a ten month old boy until today. When things would get stressful with him, I would vent on twitter. Even if it wasn’t too stressful, I would say silly things to get a laugh. The things I would say were things that I would probably say about my daughter on twitter, but I can definitely now see how it was hurtful to his parents. 

Today is the day that his mom let me know that someone told her that I would talk about her son on twitter sometimes. She began to follow me and got very offended by the things I would say. Until she texted me, I had no idea that I was saying offensive things. To me, I just take a situation, put an extreme spin to it, and put it on twitter for a laugh. Or even to vent. I’ve done this about coworkers, customers, my husband, family members, people that I like. I never thought that I was being offensive because I still liked the people and I always made similar jokes about them to their faces. I thought it was all harmless. I thought it was so harmless that I probably would have still posted most of the things I was posting if I would have known she was following me.

This was my wake up call. That sounds cliché, but it’s true. If this wouldn’t have happened, I would have continued to do this to everyone. I could have hurt even more people. I’m not the kind of person who likes to hurt people, so I felt so bad when I found out. I don’t believe that I can possibly describe how bad I felt. I was walking my dog and my baby when I got the text, and I had to come home in the middle of the walk to cry. I caused stress and pain to someone else and I felt like the worst person in the world. I caused so much stress and pain that they had to take time out of their day to find a new sitter.

What do I do now? Well, I’ve set my twitter account to private. Not because I don’t want people to see what I tweet, but because I don’t want to get any additional twitter followers for now. I’m trying to minimize and I don’t want to feel like I need to impress any new people. I’ve already deleted about 200 of my followers, and I plan to delete more. I haven’t even gone through the list of people who I follow, yet. I’m going to cut down on my twitter time. It had taken over my life, and that’s not right.

I’ve apologized to the mother, and I wish I could do more to show her how sorry I am. I know there isn’t much more that I can do, because I put myself into her shoes to see how I would feel if I was in her situation. I would have done the same thing. I wouldn’t have been forgiving at all. I wouldn’t even have been as polite as she was after I gave her my apology. 

I can still thank the ten month old for getting me in the habit of mopping every day. I can still thank him for showing me the way nap schedules can work, and helping me to get Zoey on one that worked for her. I can also thank him for helping me to have confidence in letting Zoey try new foods. Thanks to him, my house is already child proofed with outlet covers and cabinet safety things, before Zoey can even crawl.

All I can do is learn from this situation and move forward. It is difficult for all of us, but it’s all we can do.

I’m Genius

8 Sep

I’m so responsible. You have no idea how super-responsible I am. I never forget anything, like ever. Seriously, guys. I’m like the best mom in the world.


Today, a friend and I went shopping. Mostly for Halloween stuff (which was cut shorter than expected when we discovered that the Halloween store doesn’t open until TOMORROW), but we got a few other things, too. Zoey was with us, naturally. While preparing for our shopping-date, I packed a pre-made bottle with a lid on it. I put the nipple and other bottle parts in a separate bag so that there wouldn’t be any leaks. I thought that my idea was genius because the bottle wouldn’t leak and the bag wouldn’t get soggy. Again.

Everything was fine. Zoey was well-behaved in every store we went to. Even when we got yogurt. By the way, I let her try some of my yogurt and she liked it so much that I spent the rest of the time keeping her from grabbing it as I ate. She even kept trying to pull the bowl to her so that she could have more. Damn pig.

She was pulling so hard in that picture that I almost lost that battle.

Back on track. We had visited a few stores, gotten a few items for Halloween costumes and the party, and we were in a discount clothing store to find smaller items for our costumes. Zoey began to get very restless and started to shout. A check of my baby care app told me that it was time for her to eat. I took out her sealed bottle and the pieces to go with it. I began to put it together, then I noticed that something was missing. The main part of the bottle. The ring that screws onto it so that the nipple stays on the bottle and so that there are no leaks. How could I forget the main part of the bottle???? Either way, it happened. She was shouting, and I couldn’t feed her. STUPID BREASTS, WHY DON’T YOU WORK?? I decided to try and hold the nipple onto the bottle as tightly as I could and feed it to her. Maybe I could seal it well enough with my hands? No. It leaked out everywhere. We began to frantically search the baby department for bottles or sippy cups. NONE. I tried wrapping paper towels around the top of the bottle. Still leaked. Then we realized that we were near Target. We paid for our items at lightening speed, than pushed the stroller quickly next door. I had to buy a bottle identical to the one I was using, take the ring off of the new bottle and put it on my (already clean) bottle, and feed the hungry beast.

I felt like the worst mom ever. It’s been nearly seven months, shouldn’t I be an expert at this by now? No. Why not, you ask? Well, because of how quickly everything changes. It’s not like it’s seven months of a baby doing the same thing all of the time. No way. It is seven months of constant change and development. When we used to go out, I would pack a giant diaper bag (because moms are “supposed to” do that, right?). I would have the powder formula in one container, the water in another, and an empty bottle. Of course, she used to eat a lot more often back then, so I had to prepare for several bottles away from home. I also used to pack several diapers because she used to fill them a lot more often. Now when we go out, I pack a smaller bag with one bottle, two diapers, a wet bag, an extra outfit, and a toy. In the past when I premade bottles, they would leak everywhere. Today, I decided to leave the lid on (the one that you use when preparing the bottle by shaking it) so that there wouldn’t be anymore leaks. It definitely worked! It was just a new experimental way of carrying Zoey’s meal, emphasis on new. Since it was a new experience, I didn’t remember everything that I needed to remember. It was just a humbling reminder that life is a series of learning experiences and that we can never truly know everything. Now that I’ve made this mistake, I can guarantee that I will always check to make sure that I have the ring for the bottle packed. Next time, I’m sure that I’ll make a different mistake. It happens.

Damn baby. Trying to make me all humble and shit.

Next time you forget something that you “shouldn’t” forget, don’t beat yourself up. It is just another learning experience. I don’t care if you are 99 and a half years old. You are still learning things. You will never learn everything. No need to have a breakdown like I nearly did.

The Most Wonderful Time of the Year

31 Aug

My favorite holiday is Halloween. It always has been, ever since I was little. I’ve never minded having Halloween themed birthday parties (my birthday is pretty close to it) and I still do it now. Each year, I throw an adult Halloween party that doubles as my birthday celebration. We always have a great turn out and usually end up running out of booze or food. I love to get creative and make my own costumes.

No big deal. Just an alien baby, bursting from my uterus.

Last year I was pregnant, and I didn’t want a cheesy costume (like painting a pumpkin on my tummy or wearing a giant cardboard box: “a bun in the oven!”). Instead, I chopped a baby doll in half, spray painted it green, strapped it to tummy and drenched myself in blood. I got mixed reactions. Some people thought it was the best costume ever. Other people said “I feel sorry for your future child. Never show her pictures of this.” I can’t wait to show her pictures of it! If she is anything like me or my husband, she will think it is the coolest thing ever! I would also like to take a moment to point out how awesome my prego-boobs were in this picture. Best part about being knocked up, if you ask me.

Let me entertain you.

The year before that, I was Freddie Mercury. I even completed my costume with a broken mic stand and mustache. If you don’t know me, let me fill you in on a little secret. I’m obsessed with Queen and it is pretty much the only band I listen to. I watch documentaries and concerts over and over again. I have read several biographies. I could kick your ass at a trivia challenge about Queen or about Freddie. I even own the nursery rhyme versions of their music. You have no idea how sad I am that I will never be able to see Queen perform with Freddie. Our wedding song was even a Queen song. “You’re My Best Friend.”

Want to touch my penis?

Another year, I was Sue Johanson. I was a huge fan of her and she was retiring that year. If you’ve never heard of her, she was the host of “Talk Sex with Sue.” She was a little old grandma who would talk about sex on tv and on the radio. She would take callers’ questions and answer them on air. There were always hilarious questions like “If I pee inside of her, will she get pregnant?” or “Will semen really whiten my teeth? My boyfriend keeps telling me it will.” She was the BEST at answering these questions, and she loved to demonstrate the answers with visual aids, like dolls to model sex positions or a dildo to demonstrate how to pleasure a penis. You haven’t lived until you have seen an old woman stroking a dildo. It’s like your grandmother giving you sex tips. When we went to the bars, everyone wanted to take pictures with me and touch my dildo.

I’m super proud of my creations. They take time and money to create. I usually have an entire costume planned out in (or before) the month of May. This year? Tomorrow begins September and I haven’t decided on what kind of costume to make. I’ve even considered skipping Halloween. If I can’t do it right, I don’t want to do it at all. I’m sure I’ll figure something out. I’ve already gotten several text messages asking me if we are having a party. Kind of have no choice, right? Maybe I’ll find a way to reuse my old wedding dress. Well, maybe not. It is huge and I will want to be able to sit. It sucks that I’m not insecure enough to just wear lingerie. That would be an easy way out.

How do all of you celebrate Halloween? Do you go to the bars? Do you attend parties? Do you create or buy your costumes? (If you say buy, I will judge you. You’ve been warned.)

Here’s another “hot topic.” What do you do with your kids? Do you bring them trick or treating? You would be surprised about how many mothers are against Halloween. I’ll write about that another day. That’s another “internet mom war” that annoys me.

Just Tired

29 Aug

I’m tired. Not the same type of tired that I was when Zoey was a newborn. This is a different type of tired.

I’m tired of my living room being covered in toys.

I’m tired of every inch of everything I own being covered in pet fur.

I’m tired of not being able to afford to remodel my terribly ugly bathrooms and kitchen. I’m tired of being embarrassed every time someone new comes to our house and sees how out-dated our kitchen is.

I’m tired of dipping into our savings every month to make sure we don’t go into the red, there’s not much left in our savings anymore.

I’m tired of my baby being fat, and tired of everyone pointing it out.

I’m tired of paying these stupid medical bills from 2008, when we couldn’t afford insurance.

I’m tired of rushing every time I use the bathroom in fear that the baby will start crying.

I’m tired of being unable to be close friends with any other human, because the second they get close, I do something embarrassing and they distance themselves from me.

I’m tired of all of the debates between moms: breastfeeding vs. formula, natural birth vs. epidural, cloth diapers vs. disposables, store bought baby food vs. home made, etc. (Why does it have to be war?)

I’m tired of not going on dates because we can’t afford the date and a babysitter.

I’m tired of the ocean of drool.

I’m tired of having to put on contacts or glasses every day (if I want to see anything).

I’m tired of my husband’s stupid, annoying cat.

I’m tired of the ridiculously over-sized magnolia tree in our front yard.

I’m tired of seeing negativity and tired of feeling it.

I’m tired of people asking “Did you talk to your parents yet?” and “Do your parents know you have a baby?”

I’m tired of worrying about my daughter’s health, or the fact that her eyes do not line up with each other (she has an appointment in the morning).

I’m tired of the heat and the humidity.

I know that I could continue this list all night, but I also know that too-long blogs do not make for good reading. I won’t continue the list. Not because I’m ignoring it, but because I’ve acknowledged enough of it to feel better. Putting these emotions out there publicly helps to take them off of my shoulders instead of stuffing them down and pretending that I’m completely ok. Reading the list to myself reminds me of the good things.

Sure, we may not have money right now, but I want to stay home with Zoey and experience as much of her new life as I possibly can. That’s worth more than money. Money can’t buy memories. I will go back to work one day, and we will have plenty of money. The medical bills may even be paid off sometime next year. The toys in my living room won’t be there forever. It is good to have them in easy reach so that Zoey can play while I watch tv or read.

I still hate my husband’s cat, though. Can’t put a positive spin on that.

Life isn’t so bad. We can’t focus on the bad things, but sometimes it is good to acknowledge them so that we can remind ourselves that we are human. Humans aren’t happy all of the time. Humans sometimes have negative feelings about things they aren’t “supposed” to have negative feelings about. There are always good things along with the bad, you just have to know how to look for them. Make your own list of things you are “tired of”. Be completely honest, even if you say something like “I hate my significant other.” Then, go through the list and think of positive things to balance it out. For me, it lifted unnecessary stress. I hope it will do the same for you. If it doesn’t, you can always tape a picture of someone to a pillow and punch it. Let’s just call that “Plan B.” (Not a reference to the pill)

Don’t forget to destroy your list if there is anything private on it.

Tea Time

6 Aug

Now that I have the kindle app on my phone, I have been reading a lot. I read when I’m feeding Zoey, I read when I’m in the bathroom, I read when I’m fixing bottles, I read when I’m watching tv, I read before bed, etc. I’m reading constantly and I’m on my fourth book in about a week and a half. With reading, comes inspiration (apparently).

Some of these books take place in England, and those people sure love their tea! I’ve always hated tea. I’ve hated it all of my life. Here in Louisiana, everyone drinks cold tea with sugar. I don’t like that, much less the thought of tea that is hot. I’m very aware of the health benefits of tea, though. With that in mind, and admiration for the characters in my books that drink it like water, I decided that I will become a tea drinker. That’s right. I decided.

I went to the grocery store and bought a few different types of tea. I got the fruity kinds because I figured that I would like those better. It was a safe place to start. When we got home that night, I had my first cup of tea… and liked it.

It wasn’t a fake “I want to like it so I will”. I actually enjoyed it. I’m just as surprised as everyone else. I thought that I would hate it and that I would need to drink it often to acquire a taste. After I finish this box of tea, I will move on to green tea. Green tea is supposed to help prevent cancer. If you live in Louisiana, you need all of the help you can get. I can’t think of one elderly person that hasn’t had at least one type of cancer before dying.

Now, when I make my husband’s coffee every morning, I also prepare a cup of tea for myself. It is my new coffee. Moral of the story is to try new things, even if you think you won’t like them. Don’t get me wrong, I still have strong opinions about certain foods and things. Mostly issues about texture (I hate mushrooms, they feel weird). Just don’t let the fact that you “know” you hate something stop you from trying something that you could end up really loving. I “knew” that I really hated this guy at work. Then I ended up liking him and marrying him. Oops.

Wish me luck! You are all welcome to come on this “tea journey” with me. Tell me your favorite tea flavors and brands. I will try to find and taste them all. If you are interested in the teas I have been trying, feel free to email me or message me on a social network.